Today I’m thinking about… a letter to promote elegant prose

To Dear Anonymous,

I write to you in distress, for I am most ashamed to the point of remorse over the offence I have caused you. It seems my loquacious nature has taken possession of my senses and my apologies are quite overdue. I understand now your deep irritation over my use of the words ‘lol’ and ‘gonna’. To even call them ‘words’ leaves a bitter taste in my mouth I can not conceive of describing to you.  To use ‘words’ such as these on the internet of all places for the world to see brings myself, my family and my dear friends only true, unrelenting embarrassment, let me assure you.

I do understand your point of view. There is absolutely no need for brevity in an age where technology acts at lightning speeds and working at a slow and careful pace is the only means to stave off idleness. If we write too quickly and send words electronically then we will soon run out of things to do, grow corpulent and succumb to flatulent, undignified deaths. It is un-Christian. You are also assuredly right to say that these internet abbreviations, such us ‘wanna’, ’bout’ and ‘roflcopter’, are bringing about an undignified death to the English language itself.

Though many linguists and scholars alike will note the evolutionary and ambitious nature of the English language in order to refute your intelligence, I would simply ask them where would we be if we discontinued the use of  words such as ‘nary’, ‘prithee’ and ‘canst’? Believe me, they would be struck uncwisse with the very thought. I must say however that since having received your electronic mail, I have felt ever so slightly vexed at my current situation.

I am able to only describe my feeling as that of a bird clipped of its wings. Have you ever clipped a wing so close it has bled? I watched my mother once do this to a screeching green parrot, and as the blood gushed onto her pale hand she began to cry. I asked my mother why on earth she would clip a bird’s wing if it distressed herself and the bird so and she told me it was for its own protection. This idea confused me, for I was only a little girl and I had presumed that being a bird meant your one protection was, in fact, flying. For example, if a cat were to try to fetch it between its sharpened claws, it could simply fly into the air, a place the cat would be unable to follow without some kind of modern mechanised cat aeroplane.  Of course I was in no position to argue, yet as I watched the bird twitch and cry out in spastic hysterics I did feel inside that my mother was somehow misguided.

Now I suddenly feel in the same sense as the bird, restricted. As a person I feel my voice is my purpose, the very means by which I live my life in its complexities and richness. Although oftentimes this voice can be sumptuous and sophisticated, it can at other times languish in indolence. I find most often this occurs on the internet and amongst friends, who also occasionally partake in such vulgarity. I feel as though this form of language, while conflicting with your very justified and intelligent overview of what the English language should be, is just as much a part of who I am and what I do as any other word currently dwelling in the hallowed Oxford dictionary.

It will, however, be my pleasure to relinquish my aforementioned sentiment toward my old ways and look afresh upon my discourse. I will be diligent and unrelenting in my endeavour to continue your good work and strengthen the English language by casting abbreviations such as ‘lol’ aside and in stead stating ‘I am at this very moment laughing aloud to the statement, article, picture or video you have brought to my immediate attention.’

With my profound apologies and undulating respect,

Kara Rose.

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