Today I’m thinking about… gorging on yummy animals. Om nom nom…

March 25, 2011 § Leave a comment

When I was 20, I was with a guy who’d take me out to pubs for lunch and dinner all the (freakin’) time. Now, I do enjoy a decent, cheap chicken parmy, or a $10 steak when the mood strikes, the cash is strapped or the restaurant is an uncomfortable distance away and I’m in heels. But once, twice or three times a week can take its toll. After all, there are only so many meat, chip and salad combinations one can handle until it all starts tasting like heart attack.

I like to call this time in my life my steak period (like Picasso’s blue period, but with pepper sauce). Before this, I rarely if ever ordered a steak at a restaurant thanks to a father who thought shoe soles were the pièce de résistance of cow meat. Of course to impress the guy, I was all up in this steak business. ‘Oh I loooove steak’ I’d exclaim to him, withholding tooth ache memories of spitting chewy gobs of meat into napkins at the dinner table. After my fifth or sixth pub steak I began to, however, develop a refined taste for the meat, proclaiming that one may only have it medium rare to enjoy the full rich iron-y flavour, and refusing to put sauce on it for fear of sullying the taste and insulting the all important chef.

Recently I became a vegan. It is vegan month and I told those around me that I wanted to do it just to see. Curiosity was my calling, I am after all a writer at heart; what is writing without experience? Of course this was all bullshit. To be perfectly frank, I did it to lose weight. I’d been looking for an excuse, a quick fix, a something to trigger some shift in my body without just starving myself. With the intensive restrictions of veganism I thought no one, not even myself, could persuade me to take a bite of that chocolate cake temptation. Extraordinarily, I was right.

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Today I’m thinking about… a letter to promote elegant prose

March 17, 2011 § Leave a comment

To Dear Anonymous,

I write to you in distress, for I am most ashamed to the point of remorse over the offence I have caused you. It seems my loquacious nature has taken possession of my senses and my apologies are quite overdue. I understand now your deep irritation over my use of the words ‘lol’ and ‘gonna’. To even call them ‘words’ leaves a bitter taste in my mouth I can not conceive of describing to you.  To use ‘words’ such as these on the internet of all places for the world to see brings myself, my family and my dear friends only true, unrelenting embarrassment, let me assure you.

I do understand your point of view. There is absolutely no need for brevity in an age where technology acts at lightning speeds and working at a slow and careful pace is the only means to stave off idleness. If we write too quickly and send words electronically then we will soon run out of things to do, grow corpulent and succumb to flatulent, undignified deaths. It is un-Christian. You are also assuredly right to say that these internet abbreviations, such us ‘wanna’, ’bout’ and ‘roflcopter’, are bringing about an undignified death to the English language itself.

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