Today I’m thinking about… destiny within reason.

May 25, 2011 § 2 Comments

Let me begin this by saying that I do not believe in magic. I had an eye opening experience with a magic kit as a child with which I could not render my brother permanently disappeared, and since then have approached the whole practice with a keen sense of cynicism. Nor do I believe in Mermaids, Witches, Zombies, Jesus rising from the grave or Fairies (but I invite you to clap your hands if you feel so inclined). I can’t stretch my imagination far enough to describe to you the things that I do not believe in, but I do, somewhat against my better judgement, believe in destiny.

Destiny is an annoying term, because whenever I mention it in a positive fashion I feel like a genuine arsehole; the kind of person who expresses opinions in singular, worthless cliches with wide eyed expectation that you will absolutely, without a doubt agree with every syllable uttered from their flapping mouth. ‘Uh…sure, I suppose everything could happen for a reason, but that doesn’t change the fact that my dog is dead.’ Of course this particular kind of arsehole generally has the best intentions, and the most naive of dispositions. So why do I feel so compelled to fall into their ranks?

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Today I’m thinking about… being feminine.

May 12, 2011 § Leave a comment

I was hanging with a friend complaining about being fat, as I am wont to do far too often for someone who will stand in the kitchen and lick all the icing off a three layer cake unconsciously while trying to decide what to have for lunch, when he whipped around and with staggering contempt called me a ‘fucking idiot’. I met his derision with the wounded yelp of a stupid dog who’d caught its own damn tail. Bewildered by my sore butt, I turned away from him, scratched my nose, watched a fly land on the tiled floor and rub its legs together for a while, then finally stated that I was thirsty.

I contemplated the glass arrangement in my cupboard for a while before I asked if he’d like a drink, too? ‘Sorry’ he said so matter-of-fact I wanted to punch him, ‘I’m just so tired of girls who are perfectly aware they aren’t fat trying to fish for compliments.’ Wow, I thought smugly as I chugged my water and wiped the dribble off my chin, does this guy have it wrong.

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Today I’m thinking about… the importance of a shoulder.

May 6, 2011 § Leave a comment

Today I asked myself if I have ever had to face a terrible situation on my own. I then picked around the feta cheese in my greek salad and read a poem by Ali Cobby Eckermann* titled ‘I Tell You True’.

I can’t stop drinking, I tell you true
since I watched my daughter perish
She burned to death inside a car
I lost what I most cherish
I saw the angels hold her
as I screamed with useless hope
I can’t stop drinking, I tell you true
It’s the only way I cope!

A terrible situation on my own? I asked myself again. I thought about the lonely archetype of the drunk nursing his ninth scotch at a dodgy bar, gurgling his sorrows to a bartender trained to nod, smile, move on. I thought for a moment of what death can do to a person, and then what a person can do to death.

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Today I’m thinking about… good, nice, bad, mean

May 2, 2011 § Leave a comment

I have a friend, let’s call him TJ, who once laid it all out on the table for me. “You aren’t a nice person, Kara,” he said with deftly focussed eyes nudging at my soul. “You’re a good person, but not a nice person.”

While I watched TJ dodge my quick fire slap, I felt oddly compelled to restrain my go to violent streak. I wanted to know what insights this guy could grant me before I strung him up by his little finger. ‘I’m nice, you arsehole!’ was the only argument I could muster. I paused for a moment, dropped my forehead down onto the salt-stained MacDonald’s tabletop and muttered something about him explaining what the fuck he meant by it.

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